**WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS LOTS OF SWEARING AND GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF BOWEL MOVEMENTS
I hadn't had a bowel movement since the morning of the operation which was on a Friday, so by the following Tuesday I REALLY, REALLY need to go.
The nurses had already provided me with six sachets of laxatives and numerous senna tablets but they hadn't taken effect. I was now certain that the poo was so compacted and hardened that I would need a bit more help to get it out. What to do?
Luckily my friend (slave) Sarah arrived and I sent her off to the local pharmacy to explain my situation to the lovely Polish pharmacist there. She came back with a packet of Glycerin suppositories.
I was dying to pop one in straight away but Pip from Occupational Health was due any minute. What's a few more minutes when I've been waiting for four days? (To put this into perspective, I'm normally a three a day girl.
Pip turned up and puts raised my sofa by 5 inches using some 'attractive' grey supports. He then did the same to my bed and also provided me with an extra toilet seat riser for the downstairs loo.
Once Pip had said his goodbyes I headed straight to the loo and took out the instructions. Wash hands, unwrap suppository, wet suppository, pop into anus until it is past the first sphincter, wash hands. Seemed simple and it was. My arse seemed to almost suck it up willingly and close the doors afterwards, it was a very weird sensation, but not as traumatic as I'd envisaged. I carried on reading the label on the box as I sat there waiting for something to happen, but there was nothing on there about how long it would take or how many to use. Sarah decided that there must be an instruction leaflet missing. I decided to stay sitting on the toilet just in case.
Five minutes later I had an urge and as I let my bowel open I sharted and felt something fall out of my arse. It was part liquid poo and part dissolved suppository. How disappointing.
I popped another one in and came and had a coffee with Sarah. Ten minutes later I felt the urge again. Another liquid fart and another suppository down the loo. I decided to wait half an hour and try again. The same thing happened. By now I was getting desperate. I could feel the 'turtle's head' but just couldn't push it out. I wanted to cry.
After lunch Sarah had to leave and I decide that I would try one last time and I would do my best to keep this one in for as long as possible so that it would dissolve properly. I popped it up and calmly told Alexa to set the timer for twenty minutes.
Whilst I was sitting there clenching my buttocks and waiting for it to dissolve I thought I'd Google how long I was supposed to keep it in for. ONE HOUR! One hour? Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way I can keep my arse clenched for that long. The next thing I read was that you should only insert one suppository in 24 hours - oops!
After about 5 minutes my body was telling me that it wanted to evacuate my bowels. No chance matey, I'm holding this one in for as long as is humanly possible. After ten minutes I wanted to go so much that I couldn't concentrate on anything else apart from keeping my sphincter closed. I tried playing a game on my mobile phone to distract me. The twenty minute timer went off and I told Alexa to set it for another 20 minutes. This was torture.
By now I couldn't physically do anything except focus on keeping the suppository in. The urge to go was all consuming. So much so that all I could do was this....
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
AD INFINITUM.....
I sat there in a stupor with a fixed look upon my face just repeating this three word phrase over and over. I looked certifiably insane. I didn't make it to 40 minutes. At around 35 minutes the temptation became to much to bear and I hobbled to the loo on my crutches whilst still maintaining a clenched buttock.
I lowered myself onto the toilet riser and tried to find a comfortable position whereby I wasn't squishing my wound or my arse cheeks to much whilst keeping my body at an obtuse angle to my legs and making sure that my left leg didn't cross the centre line of my body. It was difficult.
The OH MY GODding continued and I even had to grab one of my arse cheeks in an attempt to prise it apart and get the fucker out. And then I felt it coming, it was slow and solid and hurt like hell, but it was moving and I was determined that this wasn't going to be a failed attempt. I was pushing and shouting and pulling and digging my nails into my arse cheek when I heard myself scream 'JUST GET IT OUT OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!'.
And then something that felt like the size of a honeydew melon shot out of me like a bullet and a wave of relief followed. The OH MY GODs became quieter and less frequent and it took around ten minutes to get my breath back. It was over. I'd got the bastard out. I wanted to cry.
I finally calmed down and realised that nothing else was going to come out. I was a little worried about wiping and expected a lot of blood imagining that my poor arse had been ripped to shreds or even worse that I'd had a rectal prolapse, but there was nothing untoward. Eventually I stood up I turned to inspect the toilet bowl to catch a glimpse of the turgid mass that had caused me so much distress, but the bowl was empty. It had shot out with such force that it had gone clean round the u-bend and vanished from view. Bastard!
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